(A General Overview)

By: K. B. Napier

It is not my intention to examine specific problems in depth. Rather, I want to look at the general picture, because almost all marriage problems have the same basic problem - that is, a refusal to do what God says.  I am writing this Article after nearly 30 years observing marriages in their various stages. In particular, I have been involved very deeply in at least four marriage break-ups. And in each of those four cases, the same root causes were very evident.  At this very moment, I watch as yet another Christian couple is bent on destroying what God has decreed is a binding relationship. This is why I now put my thoughts on paper.

When problems begin to arise in a relationship, whether in marriage, work, or any other sphere, if the people involved are Christians, and if the problem continues, then the cause is nearly always sin.  Usually what becomes a very complicated matter, usually starts with just one problem - even a 'niggle'.  It is when the very first 'niggle' starts that action must be taken - not when a nuclear bomb is dropped during World War Three!

All marriage break-ups, Christian or not, are set against a background of hot emotions. These emotions prevent the couple from seeing straight.  Emotions, not truth, become the deciding factors. But let us concentrate on Christian marriages (that is, where both partners are saved).

It's Over!

It is a very sad fact that most Christian marriages are declared 'over' by both partners only at the last moment.  I know of very few Christians who will approach their pastor, or some other trusted Believer, for help.  Often, couples allow marriage difficulties to pile up until they suddenly crash down on their heads - only then do they openly declare an imminent break-up!  This is NOT how it ought to be.

I have concluded that the ONLY reason it gets that far, is that one or both partners act out of pride. The idea is that a marriage is a secret, and only the couple must deal with it.  But behind the actual break-up is yet another factor - one or both partners have already decided that the end is nigh, and they simply do not want a pastor or some other Christian 'sticking their nose in'. They have started thinking of what it could be like without marriage vows.  They may even be thinking about getting another partner - usually outside marriage. Thus, a simmering and sometimes subconscious lust enters the scene, fuelling the break-up.  Thus one or both partners secretly want the break-up, even if it can be avoided.

With some, the break-up is not announced until all the 'arrangements' have been made, including one partner moving out. Right now, I know that in the case of the break-up I witness, the man has already approached the Social Services department to ask about finance for living away from home, etc.!  Yet, he has not approached me, as his pastor!

I know the reasoning behind it - once everything has been organised, he will suddenly tell everyone that he has already moved out and is now independent. He will do it that way because he does not WANT the Christian, Biblical answer! Why not?  There is one thing I can tell all married Christian couples, right now - IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT THE BASIC PROBLEMS ARE. THE REASON YOU ARE NOW IN A MESS IS NOT BECAUSE THE PROBLEMS ARE INSURMOUNTABLE....BUT BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO OBEY THE LORD. This is a strong accusation, but it is true. Just because you say the marriage is over, does not mean it is over.  You might even get divorced. But the stark fact remains - when a marriage reaches that point, it has declined because of SIN.  God does not recognise your break-up, or the reasons for it.  This is because He has said marriage is for life. Nothing can alter that command.  A marriage break-up between Christians is evidence of sinful responses.

Frankly, I do not care that the rest of the world - the unsaved world - thinks marriage is expendable. I do not care that the unsaved go into marriage with the idea that they can get rid of it again if they get fed up. But I DO care that thousands of Christians in the world, every year, end up divorced. And even worse, many of these folk compound their error by either getting married again, or living with a partner outside of marriage! (There are times when one of the partners is not to blame, or when one partner is not a Believer. This Article is primarily concerned wth two saved partners who determine to divorce for reasons other than those given in scripture).

The Cave

Imagine...I go to a popular beauty spot to visit a well-known cave.  Thousands of people visit it every day during the summer, and the views inside are marvellous. Outside the entrance are conspicuous signs telling visitors to keep to the paths and not to wander into restricted areas alone.

I enter with everyone else and follow the guide, who tells us all kinds of interesting things along the way. As we go deeper into the cave, we see more signs, warning parents to keep their children at their sides, and for everyone to stay on the designated paths.  As we continue we notice some roped-off entrances to pitch-black tunnels.  When we are in the heart of the cave, I get the notion of wanting to know what it is like down one of the restricted areas.  So, I let the guide and the other visitors go farther ahead, until the voice of the guide gets fainter and fainter.

I look around to see if anyone is watching, lift the rope, and ignore the sign telling me to stay to the designated paths.  The sign also tells me that the restricted area is dangerous.  But I try it out anyway! The designated paths are well-lit, so it is possible to remain safe even when the guide's voice has become faint or inaudible. Now, as I start to enter the forbidden zone, it gets darker.  No problem, I say to myself - I'll just go a little bit deeper, just to see what it is like.

The light from the designated path fades more and more as I pick my way down the narrow forbidden path.  Because the light gets dimmer, I put my hands out to touch the walls. They make me feel safer (even though the signs said otherwise).  Under my feet, I feel rough terrain - the designated paths were fairly smooth and well-lit, so the dangers were obvious.  But here the light is rapidly failing. Nevertheless, like most people in a wrong situation, I have a stupid bravado! On I go, saying that I will continue for just a few more metres....

Then, as the light is almost non-existent, I decide to turn back. But wait - one of my hands cannot feel the side of the tunnel. Why not?  I stare for a long time into the gloom and notice what appears to be a blacker void.  Another tunnel?  Oh, what's the difference! I've already come this far - I'll try just another few metres! So on I go. But, because I have just turned a corner, there is no longer any more light, not even a faint glimmer/  In my mind, though, I think logically - all I need to do to get out is to look behind me, and  follow the faint light coming down the first tunnel. Simple!  So on I go.  Because there is no light, I begin to stumble. I press on, staring forward, but not seeing a thing. I am so intent on not falling and staring forward, that one hand misses the rock on one side, but as I am moving onward, the hand suddenly touches the side again, so I assume the side was wider at that point.  A short time later I realise that the tunnel goes on and on. Time to go back!

I turn slowly and look toward the way I just came, but there is no light. Just pitch black.  Yes, the deeper I went the more my heart pounded - but that is normal when we are exploring.  Now, it was still pounding, but the feeling was mixed with a feeling of anxious excitement.  I start to feel my way again and stumble onward.  Not long now, and I will begin to see the faint light.

Then, one of my hands cannot feel the side of the tunnel again. Yes, it's the same spot as before.  So I lean sideways, confident that my hand will eventually touch the side.  Instead, I fall on my side - there's nothing there!  I mutter that maybe the tunnel is extra wide at that point, and I stand up. Ah, there it is! The wall!  Safe again! So I start to stumble forward again.

But when the faint light does not appear, I stand completely still, breathing harder, and listening.  No sound but my breathing.  Nothing to see. Just pitch black.  I stumble on, thinking that I was mistaken about the distance I had come.  As I continue, I get the feeling that something is wrong. But I continue anyway, hoping that I am okay.  I stumble even more and notice the walls are closer together than before. Then I get to a point where I have to squeeze between the walls - and I start to panic. On the way in, I had both arms stretched out sideways to touch the walls, so the path was quite wide.  If I suddenly have to squeeze my way forward, then I have somehow come the wrong way.  My bravado leaves me and I try to think hard. I realise that when my hand left the wall earlier, I had assumed it was just a wider part of the tunnel.  A sickening thought wells up inside me - it was not just a wider part of the tunnel. I fell sideways because I had fallen into a completely different tunnel!

Despite my fear and legs feeling like jelly, I turn yet again and go back the way I came. Once more, my hand misses the wall.  I know it is much too early for me to reach the other tunnel - so what is this?  It must be yet another tunnel!  Now, in the pitch black, I have two choices, and I do not know which tunnel to take.  I can't even see them.  So, I make a choice, thinking that I must come out into the light at some juncture. In reality, I do not realise there are four tunnels where I now stand. Three of them lead deeper into the mountain. Only one gives me the remote chance of escape.  Because I don't know this, I stumble down the wrong one, not even feeling the gentle gradient downward.

Instead of stopping when I first had a problem, I stumbled onward!  Instead of shouting for all my worth I stayed silent, making my own silly choices. Instead of waiting and calling to the guide, I carried on in my own devices.

Now, if I fall forward into a bottomless pit, I will die.  If I carry on, I will die.  What do I do?  The answer is simple - I must stop where I am and shout for help. Hopefully my voice will be heard, maybe faintly, as others pass the vital rope keeping visitors from danger.  The guide always counts how many visitors he is taking with him. When he reaches the exit he will see one is missing.  So, he alerts a team and they go back in, searching for the one who is lost.  Will they find me?  Only if I stay where I am.  But if I stupidly carry on, I may die. And the farther I go, the worse things will get for me.  If I stop where I am and do not continue in my folly, there is the slim chance that my searchers will find me. It might even take days, but I must immediately stop and call for help. I tried it my own way and failed. I led myself into danger and might even die.  So I must stop and wait for help.

But those searching do not know where I went, and there are so many restricted areas!  So, they begin their search.  Every so often, because I know I need their help, I shout and listen for their comforting voices of instruction.  Eventually, I hear sounds and yell continuously! I suddenly feel elated, but it will still take some time to extricate me from where I am, because I have taken so many wrong turns.  Then, a light flickers and I know I will be safe.

But what if I did not stop where I was? What if I carried on, thinking that my own ingenuity would get me to safety? Then the searchers would probably find me dead, if they found me at all.  If I carried on in my folly, then I would take myself well beyond even the remotest possibility of safety, and would probably die.

Does this sound familiar?  Does it remind you of the Good Shepherd?  He goes searching for the one sheep who was lost, and He does not rest until He finds it.  But He cannot bring it back alive if the silly sheep throws itself off a cliff!  God says that we must stay on the paths He has designated for us.  He also says that if we continue to stray, even when we know we should not do so, then He will abandon us to our own devices. (The analogy is enough to illustrate what I am getting at, but as all analogies have their limit, please read wisely).

The Moral?

The moral of my story is this - yes, I did a stupid thing by even contemplating crossing into a restricted area. To do it, I had to ignore the warning signs and refuse to listen to the guide's voice. But I could have stopped at any point in the first tunnel and turned back to the true path. That was because there was still light, faint but still visible. If I continue in my folly and leave that light and voice behind, I enter blackness and have only my own mind and silliness to keep me going.  Because I don't realise the full potential of the pitfalls ahead, I keep going, relying all the time on my own ideas.  The deeper I go the worse things get until I am completely lost and confused. But because I have left the guide and the true path behind, I have nothing to guide me but my own devices. And because I am on unfamiliar ground and in a forbidden area, the more I rely on myself, the worse it gets.  If I keep on going all hope will be dashed and I may die.

Can you see how all this applies to the couple who get into marriage difficulties?  How did they arrive at their state of demise?  Was it something sudden?  Didn't they realise they were in danger? Couldn't they put things right?  The answers are these - they arrived at their state of ruin by their own devices.  Their end state was not sudden - it was the result of self and sin.  Yes, they knew they were in danger, but like many folk, they thought they could deal with it themselves - not understanding that they are in a mess because of this and because they cannot do it alone (they have gone too far in their pride).  And yes - it is never too late to put things right!

Now What?

So, we see that the couple in difficulties have got there because of sin.  But what can we now say? There is plenty to say!

What are the warning signs in our cave story? They are the teachings of scripture. Who is the guide?  He is, for our purposes, the pastor, who works for the 'Chief Guide', Jesus Christ.  The guide is himself guided by the Holy Spirit.  The pastor is there to guard the people from themselves as well as from outside enemies and dangers.  Stop listening to a godly voice and you will soon hear another voice - your own. And, God tells us that if we are not for Him we are against Him.  Thus to listen to your own voice is the same as listening to Satan's voice.

The true path is that Old Path of Truth, set out in scripture by the Lord.  The roped off areas are areas of sin.  If we enter, we immediately start to sin.  The deeper we go, the worse we sin. We can turn back at any time, but sin keeps us going!  Then, we are completely on our own, sinning naturally. The voice of the guide is not heeded. The true path has long been avoided. The warning signs are no longer visible.  If we keep going on our own path, we will die, spiritually. And if we keep going our consciences fade and God gives us over to ourselves - the worst fate of all, for it means we will die sinning.

Instead of stopping at the first sign of trouble we carry on!  Instead of getting back to the guide when light is still available, we just stumble deeper into darkness, until we are enveloped in it totally, unable to see our way back.  Christians who finally divorce are in that very state, for they have not heeded truth in any form. Indeed, it is very likely that they never approached their pastor at any point in their long demise. Not until they gave him the news of their break-up. Sadly, they, like so many others, think they can do it all on their own.  But the mere fact that they are in such a mess is proof that they cannot do it on their own! People are so full of pride! They think they can do anything.  They always think that their way is best.  But God does not give us warning signs for nothing.  He does not place pastors in office without reason. Once you do not heed these appointed means of help, you are on a slippery slope to ruin.  God will always lift you out of danger, if you repent and return to Him.  But if you do not, you will suffer. And if you continue to sin in spite of many warnings, God may even remove His Presence from you.  Which do you prefer?

A Suspicion

If someone has been warned about something, but he goes ahead and does it, what can we say?  Is he stupid?  Well, yes.  But there are other things we can say, too.  If I tell a man not to walk on the road because a truck is thundering behind him, why won't he get out of the way? Apart from stupidity, he is full of pride.  He won't listen because he knows best! When it comes to the things of God, why do people commit sin, even after receiving warnings from a pastor or some other Christian?  Yes, it is sin, but its cause is unbelief. A man who sins even though he has been warned, is showing that he has no true understanding of his own nature, nor of God's purity.  He does not wish to apply scripture to his life because (a) he prefers the pleasures of this world (b) he likes to sin (c) he is full of pride and (d) he does not really believe what God says.  If he does not really believe what God says, then this indicates that he does not really believe in the existence of God Himself!  No man in his right mind would ignore Almighty God if he honestly believes He exists!  So, are you like that man?  Or, do you believe?

Jesus Christ tells us that if we truly believe and if we truly love Him, we will do His commands.  Doing what God says is proof of our salvation and of our godly intentions.  So, if you are a Christian in marriage difficulties, look hard at your own heart.

Let us look at the anatomy of a marriage. Firstly, God expects that all who marry should remain married to that one person, unless death of a partner frees the other to marry again.  God does NOT make provision for living together, for such is sin. Secondly, Christians who marry are bound automatically by God's word. Not just the texts that speak directly of marriage, but by ALL texts that guide us through our lives together.  It is surprising how many Christian couples think that when they are married, they can do whatever they like 'behind closed doors'.  Yes, they can - so long as they live honourable and godly lives!  If they do not, they will get into trouble...secret vices are not secret to God, Who sees all.

Certain things within marriage are legitimately 'private' - but they are still bound by scripture. Marriage is not some kind of humanistic pleasure dome that God has no control over, and where couples can do whatever they like.

The first thing to say about marriage, as in any part of life, is this - we must always begin with what is commanded. What is commanded must be considered to be an immovable object!  Like the rope telling visitors to a cave to remain on the safe path, God's commands are there for a purpose. His commands tell us what God demands of us.  No, not what He would like us to do, if we wish - but what He demands of us, whether we like it or not.

Thus, there are certain boundaries we MUST observe in marriage.  God says that when we marry, we must STAY married, through all problems and situations.  Nothing can break that command.  What this means in practical terms is that if divorce is not even an option, then it is no longer an escape hatch!  If Christians saw this as a non-existent possibility, then they will not hanker after escape, because it is not an option.  In God's eyes, there is no escape from it.  (Divorce is granted by God ONLY as a recognition of our own failure to obey; that is, when one partner either commits adultery, or, is unsaved and does not wish to remain.  Even in these cases, there is no command to divorce. Rather, it is a reluctant concession.  It must never be considered as a part of our Christian lives, but once done is a sign of our sin).

Christian couples usually marry because they love each other.  That is in fact the very first thing to look at. Do they love each other? If they do, then they consider the other person to be more important than themselves.  They will always do what is good for their partner. Many couples marry out of lust - but even this is valid. Paul tells Christians to marry rather than burn with lust for each other.  The main fact to get into our heads is that once we are married, it is for life.  The reason for marrying is not the issue in scriptural terms.  So, whilst love is the best reason for marrying, it need not be present if two people willingly marry.

Can people learn to love each other?  How many times have we heard divorcees say that they parted because there was no longer any love between them? Or, that they never loved each other in the first place? In the Bible we are taught to love even our enemies.  There are different kinds and levels of love, and each is based on respect.  Respect is probably the most basic level of love. It is the foundation on which all other kinds of love are built.

What we see in scripture is that love is not just some mysterious 'chemical attraction'. Yes, there can be this physiological attraction, but it should not be mistaken for love itself.  If we are brutal, we can dissect the so-called 'chemical attraction' idea!  When a couple first meet, one or both might be attracted.  But what does it?  Usually the 'trigger' is whatever the person has already decided is attractive in his or her mind.  A girl loves the colour red. So when she sees clothes that are red, she will automatically consider buying them.  Men and women mull over in their minds what they think is attractive. So, when someone they see meets that preconceived idea of what is attractive, the ground for coming together has been laid.  When the preconceptions of both the man and the woman coincide at their first meeting, the 'trigger' is pressed and they experience 'love at first sight'. Something must trigger it all off!

It is this 'chemical attraction' that gives some Christians the supposed right to commit adultery.  They claim that they 'could not help it'.  This is nonsense.  A relationship can be stopped in its tracks at any time - IF the people involved are honest about it.  You cannot kiss a person unless you decide to do it in your mind.  Then you must approach the other person. Then you must put your face forward. Then you must pucker your lips. Then you must actually kiss.  At any time, you can stop what you are doing.  The same goes for sex itself, but more so.  So, the claim made by adulterous Christians that they 'fell in love and could not help it' is nothing but bunkum!  Even if we are talking about non-physical responses to another person, it comes down to emotions. We can either give in to an emotion, or we can resist it.  Some emotions and responses are fine on their own, but others require certain conditions to be valid.

For example, basic respect for people as people is a good response on its own.  But 'love' (which usually includes desire) is not valid at all times.  One man may sexually love another man - but that is invalid because God says so.  A married man might love another woman - but unless it is the love of one Christian for another (a love that is sexually-neutral), it is invalid.  Anything that is not valid is sin and so it is off the true path given by God. So, there is a big difference between what we need and what we want.  God determines what we need to function as human beings.  But we decide what we want for ourselves.  If what we want is not the same as what God decrees, then what we want is sin.

Let us get back to our Christian couple, about to get married.  If they know beforehand that marriage is for life, they must block out all idea of divorce.  I say this because it is not uncommon today for couples to say "If it doesn't work out we can always divorce". Thus they enter their marriage with a convenient escape-clause, to be used whenever they feel like it.  Once the idea of divorce is in the mind, all manner of things become possible.  For example, a partner will not be so committed to the marriage. He (or she, of course) will not try so hard to put things right. The thought of adultery is much easier.  Believing scripture (that is, what God demands) becomes just one option out of several. In short, the idea of divorce is part of unbelief and this seed will fester.

The man in the tunnel was there because he ignored the command to stay on the path.  Once he left it, he got into worse and worse trouble.  And if he continued on his own path, he would die.  When God demands, He requires that we obey.  When He tells us we are married for life, He means it.  So what do we do?

Trouble in a marriage does not arise all of a sudden.  Often it begins with a silly thing. But it is not attended to and it accrues in the mind of one/both partner/s. When couples do not talk to each other honestly (many do not talk at all!) things that annoy grow out of all proportion.  When these annoyances are added together over the years, they form a huge wall of resistance.

Is Your Partner Precious?

If a couple decide to marry, the initial decision must be to treat the other person as precious.  They must talk to each other in a deep way.  Fears, anxieties and even pet hates, must be discussed.  If each wants only to get his or her own way, then they have not got it right.  They are no longer two people, but 'as one'.  They may have different outlooks and likes etc., but they are still to act as one.  Thus, a man who has his own interest, but it excludes his wife and family, is acting outside of God's will.  So many marriages go stale because one partner does whatever he or she wishes, and does not include the wishes or likes of the other person. This is a sure sign that he or she does not understand the oneness of marriage. It does not mean that a couple must do and like everything the other person does and likes!  Sometimes both enjoy the same things.  But that is not the point I am making....

A man, for example, might enjoy a sport....football, fishing, you name it. So he goes off whenever he can, on his own, and does it.  Sometimes the poor wife is dragged along 'to watch'.  And she does so dutifully, week in, week out. The poor soul is bored witless, but the man enjoys himself immensely.  That, friends, is sheer selfishness! By all means have an interest that your partner does not like - but if it means excluding her and maybe the family, for substantial periods of your free time together, then you are completely selfish. I enjoy working on my computer - but if I did that even when my wife is home from work, and only see her at odd moments, then I would be wrong.  Thus I try to do most of my work when she is herself at work, or when she is otherwise busy.  Get the point?

Another common form of exclusion is work.  Nowadays both partners usually work. That's fine so long as they both get adequate time off together. There is a danger, though, when one or both work just to gain more of this world's goods.  How often have I come across couples who have worked hard like this for many years, getting this or that commodity...and then to be suddenly out of work, and the money drops?  Too many!  And because they have spent so little time together, they don't know how to be together anymore. They have become like strangers, and trouble is likely to loom ahead. The same happens to a couple where one has a high powered job, taking him or her out for many hours a week, maybe travelling as well. Then the job is brought home. Also, with the advent of mobile 'phones, the person with a high powered job is never free of work!  This, friends, is not living!  Nor is it marriage.  In this kind of relationship, if the other partner (usually a female - nothing has changed much) does not work, she puts all her energies into raising children. Nothing wrong with that, except that it becomes a psychological escape mechanism. The children become a substitute for a true marriage.

In such a marriage, the male usually has little time for the children and little time for the wife, either. Any time they do have together is likely to be spoilt by telephone calls or some other work activity. No, it isn't just something we laugh at on TV shows - high powered ‘execs’ in high powered cars with high powered 'phones living high powered lives are true to life. To many of us such an 'exec' life is 'yuk' - we can see how deficient their lives really are. But do not be mistaken - if YOU were in the same position, with the possibility of earning almost unlimited money, YOU would probably do the same things, too! But the question to ask is - is it a Christian way to live your life?  No, it's not. To live like that means you are forgetting what counts in this life.  What really matters is God first, then family, then work.  In that order. Anything else defies God's own laws of living.

I have often heard such 'execs' saying that they are doing it to make their families comfortable. They genuinely want to provide a good living for them.  Nothing wrong with that, either.  But such a job, by its very nature, tends to take over the life slowly and surely.  Before they know it, the couple have lived a few years longer and the kids have grown up. Some of the 'best bits' of life have simply flown by. And when the busy man or woman finally realises it and life calms down, he or she finds nothing but emptiness, because there has been no true foundation, no real relationship built over the years. No quiet intimate time together, to learn and to experience things ‘as one’.

(These observations don't just apply to the high powered, highly paid 'exec', either.  They can also be seen in the more humble home, where TV is the main occupation, and where the job is so boring, the worker may take it all out on his family. The same can happen to the unemployed, where low self esteem and lack of something to do often sends a person into a spiral of depression and a sense of aimlessness - something the ‘exec’ can suffer from, by the way. This can lead to bickering and even violence.  Once again, though, the real problem is that a true relationship has been 'put on hold'. The proper hierarchy of values must be maintained for real happiness in marriage - God first, then family, then work. If this is not done, the marriage will suffer and be empty of what counts).

A married couple is as one. They should act as one, and begin to think as one.  In the main, this refers to thinking as one scripturally. A couple must believe the same truths of scripture.  This is possible because scripture mainly defines and interprets itself.  On the major aspects of doctrine this is easy!

We have already seen that we must obey whatever God says. So, if a problem arises, what should the couple do?  They must firstly put themselves in check! Both must treat the other with respect. Sadly many couples lose this respect for each other, even though they insist on showing it to outsiders. This respect will mean a refusal to get angry without good cause. It means going back to scripture to see what ought to be done. It means praying, together or alone, for guidance.  It means a willingness to act according to God's word. It means making allowances for failure. It means that if one partner does not quite get it right, the other partner does not fly off the handle and become sullen or angry....because we are all prone to sin, and each of us is convicted of our sin at different times and in different ways.  Do you do these things?  The main thing is to do whatever God says and NOT do whatever He warns us not to do.  If we have this willingness, then God will be with us.  But if we try to do everything our own way, we will get into serious trouble.  Marriages are not private grounds on which God cannot walk!  He must have His way at all times. This is the real secret of a happy marriage.

But What Now?

"Yes," you might say, "that is all fine. But what do we do NOW, if our marriage is on the edge of breaking up?  What can be done?  In fact I don't really WANT to save the marriage - it has gone too far!"  This kind of answer is the result of years of ignoring God's word.  Make no mistake about it!  It is not the answer a Christian can give in truth.  The whole essence of repentance and forgiveness etc., is that we can all change. If we are in trouble, and we call on God, He will not let us down.  Many Christians say they call on God, but then they do everything their own way!  Then they moan that God has not helped them.  God is very clear on the matter of sin. He says that if we return to Him and do what He says, we shall know peace and blessing. So it is all very plain and straightforward. It does not matter if the problems we have appear to be complicated and shattering, beyond repair.  To God, nothing is beyond repair, if we obey Him!

As a pastor I advise folk, sometimes very strongly, about what scripture tells us in given situations.  I tell them that the way out is to face their sin and to repent. Then they must obey scripture. When appropriate, I might even give them detailed things they must do, in a certain way.  But what do they do?  They listen, say thank you, then continue in their own sweet way.  Then they shout that God does not listen and nothing is working!  Just like the man who continues to ignore the warning signs and the guide, they get themselves into trouble and then blame God.  But, God has already told them what to do. If they ignore it, they have only themselves to blame.

The failure of a marriage is really a public admission of sin.  A divorce need not happen.  A divorce means that the couple (or one partner) refuses to obey God.  The only answer is to return to the Old Paths, as found in scripture.  I could give you many examples of how a marriage falters because of sin.  Stop short. Call out for God's help.  Listen to your pastor. Do not be like the idiot who thinks he can do what he thinks fit! Don't climb over the rope and enter the forbidden area. The very first step is still lit by the lights of the true path - but the forbidden path does not itself have its own light...the light is from God and the further away you go from the true path, the dimmer becomes the light, until, when it is too late, the light disappears altogether.  If you cannot keep a grasp on what I am saying, then go back to the start and read everything again - it is too important to let go.

No doubt, if you are experiencing marriage problems even as you read this paper, you will not want to do much about it.  All you can think about is the problem and how to get rid of it.  Sadly, the idea of divorce is usually near the top of the list.  But it should not, and must not, be at the top of the list. In fact, it should not be on the list at all.  Strike it off your list straight away and bend your mind back to Biblical reality!  Once the notion of divorce is gone, you will have a surprisingly new frame of mind.  If it is no longer an option, you must then turn back to your problem and find ways to solve it.  Divorce is the 'easy way out' (at least initially - it is always followed by a backlash, often in the form of mental/emotional upsets in the adults and rebellion or some other trauma in the children.  Many divorcees do not bother to think straight about their children. They claim - against all known fact - that their children will cope.  But they never do. Some time later, the divorce will affect them, if only to plant the idea of divorce in their own lives. The only reason partners says the children will cope, is that they want their own way.  They want a divorce and nothing will impede their progress!  Even if it means causing actual harm to their children's lives, they will walk out anyway.  A very grubby and unChristian way to deal with the matter, isn't it?).

If you are already thinking of divorce, even vaguely, then it means you are already planning your escape route.  It might involve adultery, or living with someone after the divorce.  It usually involves hatred or some emotional dislike toward your partner. Your mind is already single!  This means that any advice or scriptural teaching that opposes what you think will be rejected.  In your mind, you have come this far without scripture, so why should you consider it now?  Also, typically, you have not bothered to get help from your pastor or some other Christian.  Rather, you will most likely ask advice from those who are already divorced, or from anyone other than a Christian.  The reason is simple - you do not want the Biblical answer. Why not? Because you have already decided what to do, and the Bible will only get in the way!  Sin!

Remember this - if you divorce without proper cause (bearing in mind that divorce is only given as a sign of human sin anyway, and not as an automatic right), once you are apart, your partner is an adulterer if he/she marries again. The same applies to yourself.  Thus, scripturally, you can never, ever marry again....although so many do.

With all this in mind, get back to basics.  Usually the divorce begins with a minor problem in the dim past.  What was that problem?  Really, it does not matter at this stage.  What can you now do?  Like the man who climbed over the rope in the cave, you must stop where you are.  You are already over your head in trouble, so don't think that you can get rid of it that easily.  You are where you are, because you have not been able to do things right!  Take stock of your situation.  It is a fallacy that such a situation is beyond redemption.  If we could not put right these extreme instances of human relationship failures, then the Bible is a farce and it has nothing to say to us.

This is the real problem - not the marriage. The real problem is that few of us take the Bible for real.  We agree with its contents and say Amen to what it says. We tell others how to live by it and pray to God. But, in our hearts, we are unbelievers!  The strength of any chain is its weakest link.  When it comes to the crunch, few of us really believe scripture. That means few of us really believe in God, or in His existence.  If we have really known Salvation and a true life of holiness, it is because we truly believe in God and His existence.  If we do not, it will show itself in everyday situations. If our response to problems is to react humanly and to try to get out of them by our own efforts, then this is positive proof that we do not truly believe.  A frightening thought - or it should be. You see, the proof of our salvation and our belief, is that we do whatever God commands.

He commands that we treat our partners with utmost respect. Each is unique in the sight of God, but each is fused with the other in marriage.  When both partners are Christians, they are bound by the Lord to act according to scripture.  If there is a problem, no matter how small, it must be dealt with in a scriptural way.  To begin with, love is the key. Remember what was said earlier - there are many kinds and levels of love?  The most basic love is respect for people, because they are people. That is, created by God. Sadly, it is this most basic respect or love that is the first to go, when problems arise.  Thus a partner will get moody. Or he (or she) will just shout and expect the other to fall in line.  Or, one will try the old 'silence' routine to register a protest (a form of childish cruelty). Some resort to violence. Yes, even Christians!  Others will walk out.  The real answer? The couple must sit down and talk, openly and honestly. Not just to air different views, but in order to know what to do next. Don't shout. Don’t walk off. Don’t go silent.  The aim MUST be to sort it out.  There and then.

Scripture tells us not to allow the sun to go down on our anger.  That is, we must sort out problems as they arise. The longer we leave them, the worse things get and the more reluctant we are to resolve them.  If we let a small problem go unresolved, it will fester. When the next little upset comes along, the previous unresolved problem comes back to haunt us, adding to the present problem.  It is extra baggage that ought not be there. Then the present problem is added to the next - and so the minor incident becomes a major lifelong hassle.  Eventually, the smallest thing will get one or both partners shouting and screaming at each other. Children get frightened and confused.  The shouting is just the outward manifestation of inner hatred or anger against a partner.  Don't bother to deny it - the fact that you shout at your partner, go silent, etc., is a sure sign of your inner hatred toward him/her!  If you loved your partner (even at its most basic level of respect), you would not act the way you do.  Don't pretend that your hatred or anger is subconscious. It isn't!  You know very well that you are angry toward your partner. And, admit it - you like to be angry, because it gives a perverted satisfaction to hurt the one you say you love. BE HONEST!

Admit to each other that things are out of hand.  Realise that when scripture tells us that everything is possible, this includes the healing of breached relationships. Even when they appear to be beyond redemption.  If you don't believe that, then you don't believe God Himself.  No relationship is beyond healing. I don't care if you are on the verge of signing a divorce document, or if you are in court.  God gives us the way and the means.  If we take scripture seriously (which means we take God seriously), we will do what it says. Once we obey God in this way, the relationship problems vanish!  Yes, what caused the problems in the first place are still there, because they are in the past.  They cannot be altered. But you can now start afresh!  Repent of your past and seek the forgiveness of your partner.  Now begin to treat him/her with respect. From this basic level of love will spring a more intimate level.  Bear in mind that to have the 'basic' level of love, you must first love God!  And that, friends, is the greatest love of all. Without it, you cannot love anyone at all, not even yourself.

When you have established this basic respect for each other, promise never to allow anger a foothold in your marriage again, or secret loathing, or inner strife.  If a problem arises, deal with it straight away, in an atmosphere of respect and honesty.  Do not shout or silence your way through it, for these reactions show selfishness, not respect.  The aim is NOT to get your own way, but to get to a point of agreement together....even if the agreement is to have a different view!  There is nothing wrong with having a different view, so long as it is reasonable.

Above all else, determine to obey God and what He says. As both of you continue along this path, you will notice harmony in your marriage. You will realise that a deep and abiding love is growing between you, and that problems are rare. This is because you both respect each other and will not let them arise in the first place.  It is because you no longer think of yourself as independent, but as one half of a whole. You are, really and truly, 'as one'.

There is much more to say, but the overview has been given. Love God and you will love your partner, no matter what happens.  If you are now in difficulties in your marriage, have the courage to take this Article to heart and DO what God says.  Then, you will experience a remarkable change.  What if you believe all this and do it, but your partner does not, remaining in his or her little corner harbouring a grudge or continuing to do battle?  Then you must be strong enough for both of you!  Ask God to give you strength to carry on until your partner sees the truth.  Just put things right in your own life first, and leave the other partner to the Holy Spirit.  Show your partner that you have changed and that in spite of his or her refusal to budge, that you will follow God alone if necessary. But - DO IT GOD'S WAY.

Tell your partner you are sorry for what you have done in the past. Ask for forgiveness (no renewal will occur without that anyway).  Say that regardless of what your partner does or says, you will ‘hang-in’ there, praying for a new life and heart in both of you. Don't return spite and hurt and don't shout or rave.  Don't go silent. In short, don't take part in the game!  Rather, act as one who knows the Lord. Pray for your partner, in love and real concern.  Don't pretend that you are holier than the other and act piously - remember what it took for you to come to your new state, and be humble.  The purpose of all this is to win back your partner and to obey the Lord. The purpose is NOT to win your argument or to show your partner who is right! Do all this for as long as it takes, and until sheer love and compassion becomes supreme. Be gentle and do not continue to prove your case. Somewhere along the line, if your partner is indeed a Believer, he or she will settle down and see the truth.  When that happens, you will have a marriage you never thought possible. Obey NOW, before the sun goes down on your life yet again and you make one of the biggest errors you can make.

So, friends, the answer to marriage problems is ALWAYS very simple.  No, don't laugh in derision and cynicism!  What makes things hard is NOT what God tells us to do, but the way we like to hang on to our own stupid methods of dealing with life!  When a couple repents to the Lord and puts His word into practice, they will find their marriage getting better. The more they follow God, the more happy they will become.  Sometimes the difference seen in a marriage can be instant. That happens when both of the partners repent and give their lives over to God at the same time, and trust Him immediately.  Not to do this is to ignore scripture and to continue in sin. Too good to be true? How can it be true when you have witnessed so many failed marriages?  Friends, it is good and it is true! The reason so many marriages fail, in spite of miserable attempts at remaining together, is that a couple do not do things God's way. That's why.  You don't need marriage counsellors - you need God!

The challenge is put to you - DO YOU WANT A GOOD MARRIAGE? THEN DO WHAT GOD SAYS! Do not just look at what God says about marriage - look at what He tells us throughout scripture.  When we start to live out what all of scripture says, we shall find true happiness, which is the result of inner joy. That is what God promises.  Have you got the guts to trust Him and to stop messing about with your life, trying to do things in your own way?

Bible Theology Ministries

© January 1996

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